In "Aliabad," a large village in southwestern Iran, older widowed women are often deciding to live by themselves in their own homes rather than living with sons as was generally the case until recently. With research data collected in Aliabad, interviewing and participant observation in other nearby villages and Shiraz, and extensive fieldwork among Iranian grandparents in California's Santa Clara Valley, I have been investigating this fast growing phenomenon of independent grandmothers.

Previously, I had lived in Iran for about a total of four years, a year and a half in this same village. I was able to return to Aliabad for two weeks in September 2003, four weeks in July and August 2004, and three months in December 2005 to March 2006, and am thus able to compare conditions for widowed Aliabad grandmothers a quarter of a century ago with their current situations.

Aliabad in 1978/1979

In June 1978, Aliabad was a village of about 3,000, about half an hour by bus away from the outskirts of Shiraz, capitol of Fars Province. Not long before 1978, almost all village men had been either agriculturalists or shop- keepers and traders in outlying areas, or both, or worked in crafts or shops in the village. By 1978, some men were beginning to work in factories built between Aliabad and Shiraz, construction companies, or in service jobs in Shiraz.

Most people lived within the old village walls, in mud brick homes covered with a mixture of mud and chopped straw to protect the mud brick from rain. Although better off than people in many other villages in the area, partly because of the proximity to Shiraz so that men could commute to a job in the city, villagers lived at a very simple level. Rooms, often in two layers, the upper for people and the lower for animals, were arranged around a central courtyard with a dirt floor. Most village men remained illiterate, and even more women had not been able to attend school, although in 1978 and 1979, most boys and girls attended school for a few years. Girls were generally kept at home after puberty, and were married young, at 14 or 16 or even earlier.

Generally, relatives lived in the rooms of a courtyard, with at least one room reserved for each married couple. When parents arranged a wife for their son, the young couple most often moved into a room in the parental home or courtyard. A new bride was expected to be even more home-bound and modest than older women, and should obtain permission from her husband and in-laws for any actions or forays outside of the home. With the groom was away at work, the mother-in-law kept close watch on her daughter-in-law, and directed her labor and activities. In 1978/1979, no Aliabad widows lived on their own. Rather, they lived with a son and maintained a relatively strong presence, at least as long as they were physically and mentally capable.

Aliabad in 2003/2004/2005/2006

Returning to Aliabad in September 2003, 24 years later, I was faced with dramatic changes. With money from land sales, jobs, and government loans, most villagers had left the old village to build urban-style fired brick homes with a bricked courtyard, within high walls on new streets expanding out from the old village areas. The old village walls had disappeared. Very few men in the village practice agriculture or animal husbandry. Rather, they have government jobs, ferry passengers in their cars between Aliabad and Shiraz, work in factories or construction, or have or work in shops and little businesses in Shiraz. Shops and businesses, some in the process of construction, and even a gasoline station, line the highway passing through the village, and even stretch out much of the way along village land toward Shiraz. The village population has expanded from about 3,000 to some 7,000 as people from outlying areas move in to take advantage of the many construction jobs and work in services and shops, more than making up for those villages who have moved to Shiraz or even elsewhere.

In addition to new homes, complete with modern kitchens and shower rooms, some ceilings and arches are decorated with plaster or intricate mirror work, people now dress and eat far better. Homes are larger, with several rooms, and most often house a nuclear family only. Girls can attend the local junior high school, or guidance school, and then can take the bus into Shiraz for high school. As elsewhere in Iran, more females than males are successful in passing the difficult exams to gain admittance to a university. A number of village girls are attending universities in cities of the southwest region of Iran. Several, especially those who have moved into Shiraz, even attend university in Tehran. Age of marriage for girls has gone up dramatically, and brides practice birth control, putting off children and even then having only one, two, or at most three children.

Young women may refuse the men whom their parents have chosen for them to marry. A young wife does not want to be under the thumb of her mother-in-law but rather aims, usually quite successfully, to keep her husband's attention, affection, and resources for herself. Instead of the avoidance which husband and wife practiced in front of others in the past, a couple may be openly affection are with each other.

Sons' wives have become much more independent of their mothers-in-law. Instead of living with their mothers-in-law, being almost totally under their control, watched very carefully by them, and ordered to perform work by them, daughters-in-law live separately, do not work for their mothers-in-law, and do not obey them. They spend their time with their children, husbands, and own relatives. They socialize with their mothers-in-law only to the extent that they like them and enjoy their company.

These many constellations of change, related to the process of change and transformation from pre-modern to modern social and cultural organization and dynamics, have had a powerful effect on the living situations and attitudes of Aliabad mothers and mothers-in-law. Many of them have become independent grandmothers.

Independent Village Grandmothers

During the 2003, 2004, and 2005-6 visits to Aliabad, I was amazed to find out that many older widows live by themselves. I taped interviews, guided discussions, collected more than 40 cases studies of grandmothers who live by themselves, and spoke with many younger people as well. From this material, some trends in family organization and dynamics become apparent.

These grandmothers are not as controlled by family pressures to live with sons, in order to be under the guardianship of a related male. They live in their own homes but often visit very frequently in the homes of their children and other relatives, staying over night or even for long periods of time. Three main factors influence this trend, making it less likely or attractive for grandmothers to live with their children.

A main reason why many Aliabad grandmothers are able to live on their own is the existence of sufficient financial resources. Women can keep their own homes and live off rent money, husbands' pensions, financial assistance from children, income from property, and/or assistance from the local branch of a welfare agency. Their children, also relatively financially well-off because of businesses, salaries, loans, or sale of land, are able to have separate homes and do not need to live in the parental home as they did in earlier years.
Some grandmothers say they want to live in their own homes and feel as if they are running their own lives. "They do not have the patience for daughters-in-law and children," someone said. "Some really like to be separate, they cook and shop for themselves."

Changes in family hierarchy and dynamics and in living style among the younger generation, especially in Shiraz but also in Aliabad, often make it uncomfortable for the older people to live with their children and grandchildren. Decades ago there was not such rapid change. Young people and the older generation lived pretty much the same way. Now most often the older grandmothers are illiterate whereas the daughters-in-law have gone to high school or more. Their different ways of thinking makes it hard for them to live together.

The marital couple relationship and nuclear family have grown more important. Less time and fewer resources therefore are available for in-laws and extended family. Often the daughters-in-law and grandchildren do not treat the grandparents with the deference expected, so it is less pleasant for the older people to be around the younger ones for long periods of time. Daughters-in-law might prepare unfamiliar foods such as sandwiches and pizza for children, especially in Shiraz. Because of changes in life style, the older women do not feel very comfortable about the thought of living in their sons' homes.

A third reason why grandmothers may live alone is related to the wishes of daughters-in-law. Some grandmothers do not want to live alone, but the daughters-in-law do not want them.

Brides are not as much subject to the power and authority of their in-laws as they had been 25 years ago. Brides-to-be and their families have become very demanding even in the village, people told me, about the house and car and furnishings which they expected to be ready for the brides before they would move in. They and their families insist on a separate home.

"They do not like to live alone, but their children can not live with them. Many of their daughters-in-law, (arus) do not like to live with them. The sons go off and live with themselves comfortably, and leave them. They are unhappy. They like to have someone to talk with."

One woman said, "There are many, many old women who live alone in the village. They have plenty of time to tell anyone about their problems, so they will feel better (delesh baz misheh). They are alone."

Often Aliabad grandmothers have mixed feelings about their independent living status. One day, my friend Esmat and I went into Shiraz, invited by her close friend Fatemeh, who lives in a small apartment near Shah Cheragh Shrine. I asked about their lives as mothers and grandmothers who live in their own homes.

Mary: Why don't you live with your children?

Fatemeh: I want to live for myself. I want to go and see them only, and stay with them for 1 or 2 nights. If my son would build a house and have one level for me, I would go, but otherwise I don't want to live with them.

Mary: Why not?

Fatemeh: I think I would be a bother for them, an interruption for them. There would be no freedom, not for them, not for me. (Now) if I am tired, I go and rest. If I want tea, I make tea. If I were with them, if they made tea, I would have it. If they didn't, I wouldn't have tea. Now if I am hungry, I eat. With her (her daughter), we have to wait until her husband comes home at 6 to put out the tablecloth, even if I am hungry.

They (daughters-in-law) don't like the mother-in-law. They like to live separately and go where ever they want. They want their own car. Daughters-in-law prefer to visit with their own families, with their own mothers and their own sisters.

Then Esmat spoke up.
I don't want to live with my children. I want to be independent (mostaqel). If I live with my children, and the authority, permission, rights, discretion (ekhtiyar) will be in their hands, I won't have the permission to go around and see you, and you (nodding to each of us in turn). She (the mother or mother-in-law) knows how to do things better than they do, but if she is at their houses, they say, oh, she is an old women, she can't do this, she can't do that.

The day before this conversation, Fatemeh had talked about how there isn't much to do; it is hard to go out by yourself; and she is tired of being alone and that is why she spends most of her time with her children or others. Esmat had agreed that it is difficult for a woman to live alone, particularly under the existing confining social conditions for women. They both recognized the challenges of maintaining separate residency and thus independence. However, especially considering the attitudes of daughters-in-law and the younger generation, they prefer to visit rather than reside in the homes of children.

Several other grandmothers made comments about the loneliness of living alone, and about how they missed having a busy, crowded household as they had when the children were still living with them. One elderly woman told me her nerves are bad. I asked her why. "Why shouldn't my nerves be bad?" she responded. "Before, I had four of my children around me, and now I am alone."

Although these grandmothers speak about wanting to manage their own lives and maintain their own schedules, they have made the decision to live separately from their children, in spite of the drawbacks and loneliness, based on a realistic evaluation of current conditions and relationships. Lacking inherited cultural scripts for independent grandmother lives, they are making the best of it and trying to see some advantages and opportunities in overwhelming social change. They are pioneering the effort to improvise new lives and new scripts for independent Iranian village grandmothers.